The Purpose of the Site: Welcome

www.Growingreal.com is a site dedicated to growing up while staying playful and young and discovering all through the games and tasks of life.  I have a book for your asking, entitled In the Midst of Parenting: A Look at the Real Dramas and Dilemmas, 2000.  I published all by myself with my own company: Brooklyn Girl Books.  I admit that to keep it real and I did it because it was hard to publish a book without quick advice and I never believed in quick advice.  Knowing ourselves and our kids is not a quick operation, and it needs devotion, honesty and often a lot of help.  We need help from people who won’t judge us or our kids because no one learns from that judgment.

This is a site for sharing and growing and being real.  It’s for keeping it deep but for silliness because they are always close together; one simply can’t stay serious all the time without collapsing.  So in this welcome portion I’ll share a few thoughts about discipline and respect, two words used much and appreciated little.

I welcome your participation and collaboration in my own growing real, a life long process.

With Respect to Discipline

         I have come to this virtual page of paper to preach of a new kind of discipline.   As yet I have no disciples, or in modern English, students or followers and no plan of making this a religion, at least not as yet.

        I come with news and revelations and hope to convince my audience of alternative ways of seeing and living the meaning of discipline.  I am here to address issues predominantly regarding parents or other caretakers and children.  And I am here to use our language differently and in addition I hope to shift the emphasis from obedience to modeling behavior and from punishment to communal consequence, both within the context of relationship.

        There is no more important source of pollution than distraction (I have come to find over the last months) and no more important ecological issue than how we treat ourselves, each other and our children.  Without care for human beings there will be no attention or care left for the natural resources; without care for each other and our children and neighbors, our giving to those more obviously in rampant need of physical rescue will remain fleeting and shallow.  If we protest one act of abysmal cruelty but become habituated to constant bickering and spite at home, we are not living respect but rather we are paying dues which are only randomly given and randomly felt.

        A propos of respect, of course the word was intentionally used in the title.  Most of the time in my practice, I hear the word in its negative form, as in “disrespect”.  It usually comes in the form and tone of complaint and/or disgust, by adults who feel reduced to helpless rage.  Or it is used as a kind of obedience to peer or traditional authority that has ordained (sorry, but only sort of) respect to be show and tell rather than feeling and meaning. 

        I’d like for us to try this on.  Fred Rogers, known to most of us as Mr. Rogers, was fond of saying that most of what is really important in life is “’caught’ rather than ‘taught’”.  He meant that children grow from the respect they receive; they “catch” it and move with it and learn it through living.  When I thank my child, he/she is more likely to want to thank someone in return.  When my child sees me struggle with conflict and apologize when I make a bad mistake and really work hard on self-discipline, he/she is more likely to do the same.  If I respect the temperament of the child I have been “given” regardless of whether that temperament is easy for me at first, I will set the tone…

        There is nothing like tone for the ears and eyes and feelings in a home.  If it’s relaxed and flexible then people can grow through love.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about artificially sweetening an atmosphere with fake sugar and fake humor (there is little less funny than someone not funny trying to be funny, right?).  I am talking about give and take, and about our admission that some kids and some people and some situations rub us the wrong way, and trigger our nerves really badly.  And we need supports.  Anyone who thinks parenting or child care on any level is a neat business is either out of touch, crazy or perfect and then as we have been fond of saying in my home, how could anyone perfect be really perfect: isn’t “imperfection” the essence of being truly human?

        There are probably people in your lives, who seem smooth in their travels and talk and who are quick to give you advice that seems sure.  They cite evidence and warn you of grave catastrophes that will follow if you hold your crying infant.  They might say: “Put that baby down; she is going to ‘lose her resources’ and become stupid and spoiled and never amount to anything.”  They are wrong; they have followed the words of someone who never read that the first year of life is about trust and about crying being the key resource in that whole scenario.

        There is no discipline without self-discipline and that is a work in progress.  When a parent stamps his/her feet and tells a child to respect the adult, that adult is in need of a non-punitive time out or a loving arm or a cup of delicious hot chocolate.  Shouting or hitting about non-violence is showing violence as the answer.

        We are living in an age where distraction is everywhere.  Schools are boring kids, and most grownups are so scared of making mistakes or being judged by peers that we often follow the stupidest of advice.  Here is a secret for you: No one in the mental health fields has a really great idea of what they’re doing.  It’s a new field and the best of us is trying to be innovative and creative and find out more about us and what makes us tick.

        Here’s another secret: Discipline is connected to everything else, just as we are all connected to each other and just as every problem and asset are connected to everything else.  We will not make war on our children and vice versa and teach peaceful conflict resolution very effectively.

        This is only the beginning of a possible adventure of community.  As part of the beginning I would like to suggest that most humans need to be supported and understood rather than punished with quick rules.  It takes time to think, and it can be hard to admit confusion but it may be the beginning of real love, learning and even discipline.